As many of you have seen in the news recently, the comedienne Mo’nique has admitted that she would give her husband a pass to be with another woman sexually. Her reasoning is this: Why should she deprive her husband of something that he desires that she possibly won’t do but someone else will?
I have to admit, it’s been interesting to see the responses from different people and their points of view. So it’s only right that I share mine. J
One thing that Mo’nique has right is that a relationship, specifically marriage, is a place where you can feel safe to express your wants, needs, and desires without fear of being judged or ridiculed. So I applaud the fact that she and her husband have created an atmosphere where they feel that they can tell each other anything. That’s exactly what relationships are about.
Where I disagree with Mo’nique is with her belief that she is depriving her husband by denying him a desire that he has that she cannot give.
I disagree with her because as adults, we exercise this thing called self-control. Other words that are synonymous to self-control are self-discipline, self-restraint, willpower, levelheadedness. All of these words are used to describe characteristics of functioning adults. Lack of self-control is not reason to give an adult a hall pass to act like a child in adult situations with adult consequences.There are going to be other women that he finds attractive. There will be other men you find attractive. But, unlike a child, you’ve learned that as an adult, you cannot indulge in every whim of desire you have. There are consequences and repercussions of acting out every single desire that you have that are detrimental to your health, to your relationship, and to the purpose for which God has created you for. Remember what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah? Remember what happened to the Greeks? Both of these ancient societies lead a lifestyle of no-holds-barred when it came to sexuality. Both of these societies came to a horrible end.
It is because you have self-control and a desire to be with one man/woman, that you have a desire to commit to marriage. When you commit yourself to marriage, you commit to loving and honoring that one man/woman for the rest of your life. You commit to meeting each other’s needs and desires as much as humanly possible. You commit to helping each other become the best version of themselves.
Will a marriage meet 100% of your needs and desires? No. It won’t. But because marriage is something that was created by God, with God’s help, He will see to it that 99.9% of your needs and desires are met.
And for the 0.1% of the desires that cannot be fulfilled in your marriage, is it detrimental to the quality of your life if those desires are not met? We have to learn to put things in proper perspective. The things that we want and desire are not necessities and should not be deal breakers or excuses to ask for a pass to get fulfillment elsewhere.
But the most interesting part of this conversation is when Mo’nique asks the question who is she to deprive her husband of something she won’t do but someone else will. How does her husband know that this other woman will do what his wife won’t do? Because he’s already had the conversation with the other woman and has mentally (possibly emotionally) began to connect with this woman outside of his marriage. He has already started exploring the possibilities of “what if” with someone else. And this is where many people make the mistake. We allow others to plant seeds in our minds of what I would do if I were you man/woman. Those seeds take root and create fantasies. Whatever the mind conceives, the mind believes. So whatever is in your mind, your body will soon follow suit, wanting and desiring that very thing you’ve been spending so much time thinking about. This creates that desire for things that are detrimental to your life and your relationship – but we cannot see the damage because we’ve allowed that seed to take root and grow in the fantasies of our minds. And this is why some women, not just Mo’nique, thinks it is ok to give their husbands a hall pass.
I want to encourage each of you reading this to not be so easily swayed by what everyone else is doing. Remember who created marriage and why He created marriage. If you feel that you have to give your spouse or significant other a pass to fulfill his desires, then ask yourself what’s the point of the relationship? Are both of your emotionally and spiritually mature for the level of responsibility and commitment that marriage requires. Really examine yourself and your relationship before you entertain the thought of allowing passes in your relationship. Whatever you start now will continue throughout your relationship. Is this what you really want? Will this ultimately make you happy knowing that you’ve shared your spouse? And ultimately, is this is alignment with who you believe God is and what He wants for your life?
Create the life and love you truly desire, not the life and love that celebrity personalities say they have.